dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
