You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
