My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
