I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
