She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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