Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
My ATM looks so different sober.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
