Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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