ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
