Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
two words: eviction party
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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