I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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