Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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