What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
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