3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
only if we run a train.
done.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
