I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
