Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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