It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
