there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
