I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
