I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
There are leaves in my underwear?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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