Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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