I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
