getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
