How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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