my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
