so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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