Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
