I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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