Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
