The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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