he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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