My underwear smells like fireworks.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
