Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
