New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
