I faked an abortion last night.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
