I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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