this beer tastes like vomit already
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize