I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
