theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Randomize
