she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
