So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
