I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize