I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize