I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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