Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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