He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
