I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
