I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
