I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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