K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
