In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
where am i from again
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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