I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
