i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
