i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
