Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize