god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Randomize
