If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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