Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I think people are normalizing furries
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
