You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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