Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Someone shattered a urinal.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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